Her husband Ranjeet works with
the local municipal department as a sweeper and earns a modest salary of about
four thousand rupees. He and Priti live in Shankar Vihar, on the periphery of
Palam Vihar, across the railway line that comes down from Gurgaon to Bijwasan. Isha,
her neighbour, had brought Priti to work for me. Ranjeet had accompanied them
for the interview and seemed a decent sort of guy, so I was surprised at the
things I kept hearing about him.
A few months ago, the cook’s temporary
replacement Neha, had been making erotic calls to Ranjeet while Priti listened
in. This came to my knowledge because of some other issue When Ranjeet
discovered that I knew, he demanded that Priti leave the job. She didn’t want to.
I suggested she assert herself and not refer to the incident again, as most
likely he was not proud of what he had indulged in. She never brought it up
again and work continued as per normal until this morning, when she said that
someone had told her husband that she was cavorting with Mahipal, an old hand
who has worked with me for twenty years.
I was as surprised to hear this
as she was, not because Mahipal is a saint, but because Priti was reserved and
I had not heard her speaking much to the other staff. There had been an
incident a couple of years ago when Mahipal and another maid had got
romantically involved, creating a major upset in my household and his marriage.
But I thought that I had given him such a hard time as had his wife, so he must
have learned his lesson, at least as far as my maids were concerned.
She also revealed that Ranjeet
would drink and beat her up in his inebriated state, and often walked around the
colony in dirty clothes even though she had new ones stitched for him. The
neighbours would taunt her by asking what his problem was, why he behaved this
way, citing that she earned as much as he did, kept a good home and they ate
well too. I too thought the same: Why would any man do this?
Why was he insecure? Did he think
she was too beautiful for him? Today, he finds fault with a male employee in my
home, even though he had no qualms about flirting with another woman under his
wife’s nose, indulging in erotic sexual tele-talk. Tomorrow he’d find fault
with someone or something else. I asked if my talking to him would help,
thinking I could explain that these situations could come up wherever she works
and that he had to find the capacity to trust her. But is the problem really
about trusting her, or his lack of confidence?
She kept saying, “Aadmi toh aadmi hota hai, guzara toh karn
hai[iii],
I’ll have to do what he says” elaborating that “my mother says phir koi kaam nahin karna, ghar pe he baithe rehna[iv]” I
asked if she was okay with this and she responded saying, “Last month, I saved
my salary to pay for my daughter’s school admission. How will I educate her, if
there is only one income? He’ll send me to the village to stay with his mother
and in all probability my daughter will not be educated in the way that I want
her to be”.
I asked if she’d talked to her
father. She said, “Mein toh papa ke samne
kuch nahin keh sakti hu[v]”
There was a tattoo on her arm that said ‘Priti and Ranjeet’ in Hindi, prompting
me to think that she had married him of her own choosing but she revealed that
he was twelve years older and her parents had arranged the marriage. Ranjeet
apparently sported the same tattoo on his arm too. I could see a gentle blush
on her face and glint in her eyes as she shyly recounted when the tattoo was
inscribed. They had clearly shared some special moments despite it being an
arranged marriage.
The status of women in India has
had a chequered history from enjoying equality with men in ancient times to
female infanticide and dowry deaths in recent times. Many women were part of
India’s freedom movement but many wives, sisters and daughters were also burned
alive to protect them from the rape and violence that took place during
partition. Annie Besant[vi] and Sarojini Naidu[vii]
both served, independently, as Presidents of the Indian National congress and Vijay
Lakshmi Pandit was not just the first Indian to become the President of the
United Nations General Assembly in 1953; she was also the first woman in the
world to hold this office. Indira Gandhi’s tenure as Prime Minister, of almost
fifteen years, is the longest for any woman in the world.
In addition, the current
President of the nation and Speaker of the Lok Sabha are both women. However,
despite according women such high office and prestige, we also indulge in bride
burning, child marriage and domestic violence. The Constitution of India
guarantees equality to all women but there is wide gender disparity in literacy
between men and women which has a negative impact on family planning and could
contribute to women like Priti lacking the confidence to stand up to their
husbands. Yet one has also seen women from the same social strata make bold
choices to remarry with children from their first marriage. Some even chosing
to abandon them to remarry.
There is a great deal of
development around us where large tracts of farm land have been sold to build
multi-storied urban housing, creating a lot of wealth for farmers and villagers
around the metros. Mobile phones have made telephonic connectivity accessible
to all parts of the country and all income groups. All of this has brought
about a lot of change in the social profile but is the issue of how women are
regarded within personal relationships really a social issue or an individual
one? And how much does the social environment influence personal choices?
Priti earns, but that’s a threat.
She can be financially independent, but does not have the will to leave an
abusive husband; paradoxically she has the courage to want to deal with this
but not to fend for herself and her child. Yet neither does she seem able to
assert herself within the marriage, maintaining her independence and being
respected as an equal partner. She has to find the courage to tackle him one
way or another. It can’t pay to give into his insecurity, but for someone as
reticent as Priti, asserting herself may not come easy. I know from my own
experience that this is easier said than done. Personal ‘Mahabharata’s’ are
fraught with subtle dilemmas that are hard to unravel. It can get ugly and
emotionally stressful. However spiritually enlightening these experiences may
end up being, no one comes out of them in shining armour.
Her husband did not come see me, her mother came
instead. The woman seemed intent upon separating them but her daughter was not
keen. Priti left the job abruptly, coming to collect her dues a couple of weeks
later, when she mentioned to my other domestic help that she would like to come
back. When I called, she said Ranjeet had been treating her better and
indicated she could resume working, as they do miss the extra income. She then
handed the phone to Ranjeet who said he doesn’t mind the money, but the problem
was that when Priti was earning “bolti
bahut hai![viii]”
The dynamics of this equation
were complex. I thought it was best to let them sort it out on their own.The
woman was quiet but no walk-over. She had a mind of her own and, although
generally reserved, I am told she was capable of a sharp tongue and that working
here had given her some confidence to stand up to Ranjeet. And when she did,
she gave as good as she got. This did not strike me as a woman who had given up
her job to sustain her relationship because she was afraid to stand up to him.
She earned as much as he did and
if she had walked out of the marriage, she and her daughter would live off the
kind of money he was presently earning and one less mouth to feed. Her mother had
tended to her child while she was at work, so this too would have been taken
care of. When her mother had asked me to ascertain the legalities of her moving
out, I called the women’s cell in Gurgaon, but Priti did not want to know what
needed to be done. She struck me as a woman who may not like confrontation and
contention, but did not lack confidence either. The choice she made was not
determined by logic but her heart and this eventually requires a lot of faith. She
had talked as though the situation bothered her. She had dilemmas but looking
at various options presented and discussed with her, she ascertained what she
wanted to do, or rather what she did not want to do.
Can she be faulted? In this day
and age when women are encouraged to take a stand and walk away, prove their
mettle in the world rather than within testing relationships, Priti was going
against the tide. What she was doing could be lot harder than walking away. From
what I have heard, she is not keeping well. She is sacrificing a lot and it
must be uncomfortable to deal with a choice that defies reason. But personal issues
involve personal choices and while social conditioning may play a part, for someone
as silently strong willed as Priti, perhaps there could have been no other
choice.
[i] My husband is harassing me, says
leave the job, someone has tattled, saying that I have become very chatty with
other men.
